I Sometimes Fear Things Will Never Be Okay Again

This is as much as I think I dare say safely.

I have been trying to put on a brave face. Trying to pretend I’m not scared beyond my wits and feeling dangerously hopeless.

And so, I have been trying to hope for the best and believe my tragedies can become my greatest opportunities.

But I am very scared.

I am incredibly frightened.

And I feel utterly betrayed.

For more than three years I’ve held my own as a freelance/contract writer for a business of people whom I believed cared about me and my daughter.

Now I highly doubt that.

And I’m scared that if I talk about this situation online, I will be completely… fired. That’s how bad things have become.

But I’m also scared that if I don’t talk about this, the poison will overtake me.

Because I have been having nightmares. Horrible dreams that my teeth crack and crumble ever since I recently discovered I need $17K in dental care. Nightmares that my daughter and I must get rid of everything we own and be homeless again. Terrifying dreams that I finally end my own life.

I have to remind myself that these are only nightmares and not reality. I can and I must find a way to get the words out before the worry tears me apart.

How I have never felt so betrayed and lied to. How it’s been going on for months with no relief. Every effort to find resolution fails.

Sure, my job was never perfect but it worked. It kept us off government aid. I was proud of myself once again. And I counted myself lucky to have a job that I could do from home as a single mom with a young child.

It’s content marketing, so there’s not much creativity or passion most of the time, but I felt it was interesting enough and of course, it paid the bills.

That’s what mattered.

And management cared. They said I could always come to them and talk about how much money I needed to make. They used to say that. Up through last summer.

I was one of the two full-time, go-to writers. One of two who’d both been there…

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