Losing your little brother

And searching for your gift

Every story you write starts in your head first. This one I am writing now, been in-writing for the last 12 years.

I lost my baby brother 12 years ago, today. November the 14th. We put him down in the loving care of earth 3 days after, on the 17th of November. And that is my birthday.

I remember hearing my parents talk from a distance, murmuring between the two whether they should push the funeral to the next day so my birthday would not carry this heavy cloud forever.

Instead of blowing candles, laughing and joying over my 35th, I cuddled and wept with my parents, husband and two toddlers.

On 2008 November 14th, I lost the joy of celebrating my birthday.

As my parents stayed at my place for a while, I had no physical place to go to and process my grief, express my anger, disappointment, sadness, and loss of hope for the future. I had to be strong for them.

We all played our roles when we were together. And we were together a lot. We put our strong masks to remain collected when the person inside each of us is crying rivers but silently.

My only escape was my car. There were so many days when I put the music up at a deafening height to let my emotions loose. That was my ritual to process deep grief. It was a miracle I did not have any accidents in one of these many many drives.

It was a cold November that year. The snow was falling on our cheeks as we gathered at the cemetery. I wanted to lie on the ground with my brother. I wanted to hold his hands. His hands.

We don’t realize how important the hands of our loved ones until those hands are lifeless and out of our lives.

We don’t realize how precious to hear someone call your name until there is no one to call you ‘sister’. Or being able to call your brother. Be able to hear their voice. That unique voice, their laughter, and singing… And sadly, our mourning is partly due to the fact that we are deprived of these seemingly small things forever. Not for the person who departed our lives.

He had big hazel eyes with long curly eyelashes. When he looked at you, you would feel like he reads your mind. Tall and…

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