Low Man On the Prison Totem Pole

Is a dead heat between snitches and chomos

With not a lot to do, and many humans packed into a small area, it should come as no shock to hear that just like on Real Housewives of Wherever, gossip rages in prison.

Talking about everybody else’s charges would be the #1 subject for discussion among inmates. And it’s only natural. You look at a guy and ask yourself “What’s he in for? He looks like a gang-banging drug dealer. Or a murderer. Or a gunslinger.”

I classify chomos into two categories — according to whether they molested pre or post-pubescent minors. With the latter, the offender is simply a victim of our era. Thomas Jefferson mounted his 16-year-old slave when he was 46. Nobody threw him in jail.

But nowadays, it’s all different. Even if a girl has had sex with 100 guys, she’s considered a child at age 16. And MCC was loaded down with pimps or escort service owners who unaware of the realities, had employed minors. That almost always netted them at least a decade behind bars.

But I digress. Generally, old white guys in prison are suspect in the chomo realm. Somehow, everybody thinks we’re child molesters. I recall vividly my first meeting with the counselor at MCC. Not familiar with the process, I asked him if he was aware of my charge. He was not! “I’m in for tax fraud,” I announced with no reservations.

My counselor looked over his glasses and responded “they’re gonna think you’re a pedophile.” Undaunted, I continued “well my state charge is promotion of prostitution.”

“That’ll work. Use that,” was his advice. Right away, I knew it would all be a slippery slope. MCC was not an institution filled with white-collar criminals. I was going to stand out — and inmates would be theorizing.

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