5 lessons learnt from Grief after Suicide

Firstly I apologise if the title was a hard one for you to read — I wanted you to know what blog you are clicking on, as this topic is just too hard for some people. But this is also why I wanted to write about it, so the discussion continues and people feel more confident to speak out.

With the first anniversary coming up since loosing my brother in law, I decided it was time to be really honest on here in the hope that it helps others, even a little, going through loss, disappointments and grief. It’s so important we talk more about dealing with death — not a popular topic, but we need to know we aren’t alone in this horrible time and know we can share when we’re feeling sad.

I saw my brother in law Peter, as my brother, it didn’t matter to me that it was through marriage. I loved hanging out with him and really appreciated what he brought to our family — there was nothing better than having everyone together. But that all changed after one phone call from my dad on a Saturday night.

My brother in law took his life. I still feel a lot of pain remembering the moment I heard the news — it was totally unexpected and sudden. it’s the most painful grief I’ve ever experienced. 12 months on and the subject of suicide can at times be overwhelming, but something we all need to be aware of as it’s the biggest killer of men under 45 in the UK. WE NEED TO TALK.

You are not weak for feeling how you feel, you are human and at some point we all will feel down. Go grab a coffee or a pint with a friend, work colleague, family member and chat about what’s going on.

I just wanted to share some things I’ve learnt over the past year in the hope it serves a reminder of how to take care of ourselves and support others going through tough times —

If I felt myself feeling sad I let myself cry, so every single day for 3 months I did, as I wanted to be sure I didn’t bottle it up. On one hand it was needed, but after 3 months I realised letting myself feel sad and be overwhelmed wasn’t helping and I wasn’t moving forward.

I went along to counselling to chat it through and start the process of talking about it without being in floods of tears every time. I was advised to let myself cry if my body needed it, but not allow myself to do that for more than 10 minutes at one time, as for me this wouldn’t be helpful. Although grieving is different for every person, I found this useful to give myself permission to feel sad at loosing a brother, but not letting myself stay in that hard place for very long.

I really recommend visiting a counsellor, even if you don’t think you need one, they are so helpful in helping you realise why you think and do certain things. If your budget can’t stretch to the rate of some counsellors, check for charities in your local area who offer counselling at a reduced rate- mine was reduced to £10 a session, compared to £45 a session.

TALK ABOUT YOUR GRIEF — so thankful for the handful of friends that I could be honest with and chat through frustrations and the rubbish. Find those people that you can do this with —say as much as you feel comfortable to. If you’re that friend, just listen — you don’t need to give answers, listening can be all that’s needed sometimes. Several of my friends didn’t have any words to say, but being there was enough.

We had friends take us to the airport to fly home to family when we found out Peter had passed away, and bring us round enough meals for the week when we got back, as well as invites for dinner — we gave ourselves permission to accept kindness from people when our minds were in overdrive and practicalities were the last thing we wanted to think about. Accept help, it’s ok!

It’s also taught me that bringing round cooked meals, sending cards, sending flowers, sending anything, can mean the world to people going through hard times.

For 8 months I was in ‘survival mode’ — I only did what I REALLY needed to do and nothing else if it felt too much. I worked a max of 20 hours a week and put self care at the top of my to do list! Sometimes you just have to step back until you feel ready to get back into things. This is ok! How can you be useful to others, if you don’t look after yourself first?

Self care was really important in helping me cope with all the sad feelings — bubble baths, reading a book, coffee, sitting in nature, exercise, eating healthy foods and sleep! These were the essentials for me for months — and I still try to do them now, even a little, most days. What are the things that make you feel refreshed? Do them! You don’t ‘deserve it’ after being busy or getting things done, you need it to keep a healthy mind!

It just happened that I was booked in to do a bungee jump two weeks after we were given the news, so as much as I didn’t feel like doing it anymore, I decided to do it and raise money for a charity working with people battling with depression and mental health illnesses, in memory of Peter. This raised over £1000, in a few days — amazing! It was comforting to do something positive in his name. It also helped ease the pain by doing something positive and good, even though it was the result of a tragic situation.

So with a tough anniversary coming up I’ll be running a giveaway for two individuals in memory of our kind, lovely Peter! See my Facebook/Instagram post for how to enter — I would love anyone to get involved, this isn’t just for people I speak to or even know — kindness shouldn’t be limited!

It takes a tragedy to remind us what’s important in life. Why are we doing things we don’t enjoy? Why are we saying yes to things we want to say no to? Why are we giving up time with people we love for other things that aren’t as important for us? At the end of your life you aren’t going to wish you spent more time working, or watching TV, or (fill in the blank)….you will wish you spent more time with family and friends.

In 2010, I was volunteering in India and got really sick. I went into hospital with dehydration, food poisoning and blood poisoning, which led to me going into shock — struggling to breathe and slowly passing out, all I could think about was my family and just wanting to be with them. At the point where I thought I wasn’t going to make it, my family filled my thoughts.

Should this not shape how we live our lives?! Don’t be so busy that you have no time left for people. (I need to constantly remind myself of this!) I really try to carve out good chunks of time for family, especially now, to make lovely memories.

In terms of doing things we love, we’ve stopped saving some things for a rainy day — to enjoy things now! If you knew you had a year left to live you wouldn’t be saving things for a special occasion — life is pretty special! So we enjoyed the champagne we had saved from our wedding and booked (two!) holidays for this year that we decided not to go on last year, because why are we putting things off?! Saying that, I get there are times this isn’t possible, but if it is, go for it!!

I really hope you aren’t having to go through struggles of grief, disappointments or pain right now, but if you are, just remember to be kind to yourself, put self care on your to do list, take the space you need, accept help from others, talk about it, try to do positive things in response to it, tell the people around you that you love them and take time out with them. You won’t regret it!

Thanks for reading this blog — if you have any experience with this topic, or any ideas for self care that I haven’t mentioned feel free to message me or comment on the post, I’d love to keep the conversation going! Let’s look out for each other and speak out when we aren’t feeling ok!

Laura x

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